I often ask myself that question which I don't actually have the courage to ask others about. The whys that I want to ask pops about our family, the whys which I want to ask all the men who left me or chose someone else over me, the whys of life..  

Why am I so scared? What's stopping me? What's with those three words, eight letters that seemed to have been stuck at the back of my tongue for the longest time and I can't spit out?

I can't even remember the last time I've said it or the last time someone said it to me which actually made me feel they really meant it. What's so hard about it? Like if someone actually tell me those words, I'll either believe them in a heart beat or think as hard as I can that it's all a lie, nothing else in between. Am I not worth saying those words to? In all honesty, I don't even want to know the answer. 

A friend of mine told me, just recently, it's because you love that you make excuses for someone else. You defend them, you see blindly through their faults and you choose to stay, all of those define love. Hence, you learn new things, receive what you think you deserve and accept that what you have is good enough. You start to learn patience- you wait for an untimely message that you respond unshamefully fast, to be vulnerable- you let your guards down and try as hard as you can to somehow give trust even if it means having your bruised heart ready to be shattered anytime, to adjust- you openly try things you're not familiar with and begin to explore territories you dare to even cross your mind.

But then, I told that friend how unsure I am that it is love for I was not really told how it works, how it should be, how it looks like or how it should feel. It might not still be it and I'll be on the losing end believing something that is not even there. But then she responded, "isn't it more stupid that you do everything you do for nothing?".