I often ask myself that question which I don't actually have the courage to ask others about. The whys that I want to ask pops about our family, the whys which I want to ask all the men who left me or chose someone else over me, the whys of life..  

Why am I so scared? What's stopping me? What's with those three words, eight letters that seemed to have been stuck at the back of my tongue for the longest time and I can't spit out?

I can't even remember the last time I've said it or the last time someone said it to me which actually made me feel they really meant it. What's so hard about it? Like if someone actually tell me those words, I'll either believe them in a heart beat or think as hard as I can that it's all a lie, nothing else in between. Am I not worth saying those words to? In all honesty, I don't even want to know the answer. 

A friend of mine told me, just recently, it's because you love that you make excuses for someone else. You defend them, you see blindly through their faults and you choose to stay, all of those define love. Hence, you learn new things, receive what you think you deserve and accept that what you have is good enough. You start to learn patience- you wait for an untimely message that you respond unshamefully fast, to be vulnerable- you let your guards down and try as hard as you can to somehow give trust even if it means having your bruised heart ready to be shattered anytime, to adjust- you openly try things you're not familiar with and begin to explore territories you dare to even cross your mind.

But then, I told that friend how unsure I am that it is love for I was not really told how it works, how it should be, how it looks like or how it should feel. It might not still be it and I'll be on the losing end believing something that is not even there. But then she responded, "isn't it more stupid that you do everything you do for nothing?". 

Punctuation

I've been in the line of teaching English as a foreign language for quite awhile, but teaching punctuation has never been my forte. Lately, in one of our team discussions, I've encounter dealing with punctuation in a proof reading activity. It's not even a surprise for me to get an eight out of fifteen. I never really like Grammar, who would? When we talk, we just use our mouth despite of using our head we disregard spellings, grammar and even punctuation. Not unless you're a Grammarian that Grammar is your bread and butter. Well, not for me.

Here's my take on Grammar when entwined with love.

In every sentence, we use COMMA to pause or to breathe in between a long sentence. It’s relatively the same when it comes to LOVE. We use a Comma when we need to have a breather from either an exhausting or overwhelming relationship. It’s the time to rethink what you've said or done in the past. This is when one asks for space from their partners. Same in Grammar, when the comma separates the elements in the sentence and indicates which part of the sentence is a dependent or an independent clause.

A Semicolon is to link two independent clause that either has contradicting statements or closely related ideas in a single sentence. In a more human sense, a semicolon happens in a relationship when two people who are, to some extent, different. May it be in the stature in life, personality, or Social and Religious preferences. When two poles of a magnet finally unites. If you think about it, A semicolon relationship would be for those wild hearts tamed by one another. Oh! the hopeless romantic side of me.

Well, that's it for now.. I'll explain next time I feel the urge to write ;)

When you say Laguna, instantly people will ask you, "are you looking for a cheap private pool?" but one big tourist attraction there is the Pagsanjan Falls. This area is way too famous to Koreans and here's an example of that. My ex-students (when I was still teaching English to Koreans) decided to have their winter vacation in Manila and asked me if I can take them to Pagsanjan falls in Laguna as their Uncle (My student as well) suggested that they'll have a wondrous experience. This was an all paid expense trip because they feel that me taking them to the place is a big bother. We also went shopping the night before. 

We then decided to go to a spa and because the trip was pre-arranged by their uncle, we ended in a KOREAN SPA which is a bit of a bummer for them because they're expecting to have more Pinoy time. 

I didn't take a lot of pictures. 

I can't remember how much it was at 88spa but we paid around 1,200 or 1,800 per person for the Pagsanjan falls. 

Have you ever felt that you're still living in the past? Like everything just happened yesterday, but you never regret where you are now. You just can't let go of what was there before because it made you feel a lot of what you don't have, that somehow it made you complete and gave you some sense.

Lovers sometimes grew apart in a way they'll never understand, even if they try some hearts will remain unevenly broken and might have bruises or cuts. They say, the first love doesn't have to be the first one you've love yet some people deeply hold on to it, like how a mother cares for her baby. Precious and sincere, never tainted.

Why does people need to have memories that we can never forget? Why can't we just have that same function that computers have? Delete, Escape, End, Format, Recycle. When we don't want to keep something anymore we erase it, to have wider storage for something new. So that, we don't need to go back to those things when were not preoccupied. 

There are times, i just want to ask myself. "Why do you still think about it? Aren't you over it by now?" And because i can't honestly answer my own question, i try to do something that will make me forget about it. It might take an hour, days, and weeks to drive me away from the same thought that is if i'm lucky. Then again, when there's nothing else to think about, no more things to do and i'm left with my midnight songs or books and papers, i go back to the same feeling.

Years have gone and time have passed, it seems everything have changed so did i. I'm not the same girl that you've use to walk around with or talk to when you have your problems. Though some of my perception stays the same, i know i've changed and i hope it's for the better. I won't mind if you don't notice me the way you did before. It doesn't matter if you have somebody else and don't long for me anymore, i just want to know if you remember everything the way i do. If somehow, you wanted to know what was our ending, if we didn't let everything go hanging. Does your heart still beat the same when you see me or i'm near you? There are a lot of questions that i wanted to ask. Questions that will never be answered. I hope you still remember when we're still together...

I don't want to be with you now. I just want the old you, back. The way you and i once did. I know i made a lot of mistakes before and so did you. I blame you for what was done but i blame myself more for not having the courage to say how much i truly loved you. I've been keeping my feeling from you not to be hurt. However, the more i hide my feelings, the more you let your guards down for me. We were never just friends and so you know we'll never be just that simple. I wanted excitement and i know you easily get bored. It was so fun for the both of us to be in the same unbalanced boat. We try to control everything that we know we can't. We had our run and it was so good until it ended without me knowing about it. They said, something that started crazy will end up crazier, except i didn't feel it got crazier. Maybe, it just made us crazy. We shared a  whirlwind kind of an affair that i can say, one of the best love story i've every seen. Even if the ending is no good, the journey was worth it.

Everyone deserves to be happy. I know that i can never give you all the happiness in the world and i'm never good at making people happy intentionally. I just hope that you find that one person who could truly give you all that you'll ever need. I just remember, you told me that you're friends said when you're with me you don't look that much happy. I took that as sign. Now, i can say i'm better. I still think of the old us and it doesn't hurt that much, it even makes me smile. Maybe, i've learned to live without you and to love the old you at a far. I thank you for all that you've shared with me. I love you for my life 'coz you're a friend of mine and when my life is over remember when we're still together..

That's the first part of this fictional story i'm starting. i hope you liked it. You'll find out more, soon.Inspired by song for you- Michael Buble version 

I really am not a fan of this movie. Well, I think it's nice but the story itself; sucks. I think you know why!
Somehow, this movie gives the reality of our lives. As if, you can relate yourself, one way or another, it's a slap in most people's faces and people don't like that.
Personally, I think the ending is a little crappy. I'm into chick flicks aka love stories (romance). I'm a real sucker for it, I must admit. However, this movie made me feel crappy. I'm not sure but it didn't leave a mark after I watching it. I liked the trailer but isn't that bits and pieces of the movie's best part sewn together just to get people running for the theaters? Anyhow. Here are some finds that I really liked..

When I was young, I thought, relationship sucks. Well, most of my friends are boys and I learned how they treat women and it's not so nice! If you think I was traumatized by what happened to my parents, I'm not but then again, I swim through floods of doubts when it comes to commitments.



Commitment is just too big for me. Thinking about it made me wanna vomit. It's like my head spins 360 degrees in a wanderland portal. I never get serious about it and it's not that I don't want to but maybe, it's just that i'm afraid to hurt anybody's feelings because i know that my attention span is never enough. You might ask, "Is that all?". Consider another reason, though i've been chicken to admit, I'm afraid to LOVE.



Love unlike commitment, I'm uncertain on its real definition which gives me a timid understanding of it. The only love I've grown up to learn is from my parents and my sister's long term puppy love which neither turned up so well. I've been torn with love. I'm dubious if love can really make people happy or maybe just the sense of it does. In movies, tv, theater or even books. We are constantly bombarded by tons of happy endings, successful love stories, against all odds. Examine..

My two cents, it's just like eating an apple. Sometimes, it's so tempting, specially when it's blood colored red. You think it's so delicious that you bite into it without hesitations. You hear the click of its skin and your teeth begin to feel the real apple. But, while you're chewing, you take another look at the apple and see that the other half of the worm is still in tack moving in the part of the apple that you just bit. Disgusting. Awful. That's the real story.
There are times, when we are brave enough that we still try to bite some apples, yet we never acknowledge. Too chicken of how people will think about you. That's how the label game started. People who are too coward to admit what they have because they're afraid to lose what progress they think they do have. They do this:



Feelings are more often Underrated! We try to let our guards down because we know things are too good. Like, nothing feels better than these kinda stuff. Still, we fail to confess to ourselves what exactly does these things mean to us. We move closer to each other. Start to hold hands. You do things together. Talk as often as possible. Look into each others eyes. Laugh at each others lame jokes. You feel happy when he/she is around. The world get a little lighter and things get a little bit easier and bearable. However, when people gives you a label, suddenly you'll freak out. You remember boundaries and that will trigger things off. "Oopsy!"

When they don't have any other choices and they can't ignore people's questions anymore, they'll say, "We're just FRIENDS!". This absolutely feels hell for the other person who expected too much. Dreadful, as if they want to be numb from any kind of feeling. In a relationship or almost relationship, one of them is always the alpha dog. On the other hand, the underdog is the one who always get taken for granted. They invest so much emotion and time for the alpha dog, thinking that somehow it will give them the happy ending they learned from the shows. That's when you'll realize that not all things are like the movies..maybe, this movie is an exception to that.

This movie is basically derived from real life, I guess. Based on my experience, perhaps..? haha!  That being my standpoint or am I just trying to make myself believe in it. Falling in love, even if i'm not that experienced with this kind of things, is a very special thing. As they say, it's better to love and lost than to never love at all. TRUE THAT! As for me, I just hope to find that one person who will never get tired and will never change his mind on me.. :)

**I dont own images and gif above